Stepped on

If you read my last post, you could probably identify with all that hurt and anger.   Humans, when on earth long enough, get stepped on.  This was not the first person to help me feel this way, and I'm hoping to grow where they may be the last.  I need to communicate what I need, not let them treat me that way, and be what I want from others.  Besides the person that should be closest to me, my husband, the others that have had done harm are of course my parents, an ex-business partner and some randoms.  Once I give myself time to calm down and think, I realize what it is I'm missing.  Still, I'd love to run away to a place where I'm fully loved....my bath and bed? A real bed. But I've made my figurative bed already. What I'm missing is a whole marriage.  Because I've accepted years of subpar treatment and love, I've made that bed.  Time to change the bedding, wash it out. No need to change the whole bed unless he doesn't wanna spend the effort outside of his self-centeredness.

throw away my trust

You've lost my trust.  I'm pissed.  Better put, you've thrown away my trust.  The first, second, third time I warned you not to test my trust.  Why would you do that?  I don't treat you like that.  If you said that to me, i'd perk up like a meerkat.  From prior experiences, I don't rebuild trust easily after a pattern of lying.  Must be primal, necessary for our survival.  I deserve and must have respect, trust, integrity out of anyone I live with, am friends with, do business with.  I don't have that for you.  Don't know if I want to again.

Seems kinda silly to go on about my heartache when there are people needing clean water and safety from slavery and war.  But darn it I live in USA, and It's my life.  I can be so much more, we can, I can have a life full of joy, love with people I trust, respect and believe in.  So can you.  At one time, I wanted this for us together.  Now, not so much.  Too hard to get you to wake up, Michigan J. Frog.  I want to dance in the kitchen, and I have to lead, in bed I have to beg, showing off a pretty dress or a new song I learned, beg for you to say something nice, mom's burdens are mine, ask for your kind support.  Guys lead when dancing and I'm not a beggar and why would I even need to ask.  f-ing come up with something to say or do that takes some of the burden.

Since we now both know and the kids know about your alcoholism, your long-time lying, long-term neglect, depression, what are we going to do?  I understand from AA literature that it's not me and I can't stop you. Being a goal-driven fixer, it's easy to say what all the things are to fix in both of us.  If it's not me and I can't stop you, I need to find a way to change.  Change before it kills you, makes you more depressed, makes me totally give up.  I can make a very good argument for leaving: fresh, free start, someone who loves and respects me, someone I trust and respect.  We made our wedding vows, what kind of person would I be not being as graceful and supportive as I can be, not as I'm willing to be.

We can make small talk and live in same house, but really one of us needs to go, mostly b/c I feel much less anxious when we aren't in same house.  Don't expect to get smiles or kisses when you really have barely started to find a way to improve. Day one, I say you need to figure this out. Day two: you say we should join a Sunday school, you are willing to talk with our pastor. But church closed on Sun and Mon. Pastor will point you to the professional counselor the church suggests, or AA like I have done.  You said "I can't figure out what to do"...college educated business owner...You are a smart man.  If you can spend thousands of hours learning sports and cars, then I'm sure you could Google it.  Where there's a will, there's a way.  Don't feel you have the will to change, nor the will to pursue me.  My heart feels stabbed...if it was, it would stop beating. Sad.  I came home from trip so free and happy: let's try something new, massage, new venture, new town.  Trying so many options to find joy and passion ends with you saying no.  If I have to lead, I don't believe you'll want to grow or change. That's what AA says.  Right now, you'd say yes probably out of fear of what your life may be without me.  Maybe it's what you wanted all along, a life without me. Knowing you, all change is very temporary.  You saying one thing nice to me a day was something I begged for and you'd do for a couple of days. Just like giving up smoking only after a heart attack or two, you will only truly change after a major shock.  That's one of the problems of us living together, it makes you complacent.
On Tues: me: what did you do or learn about our problem today? him: You and the kids will be my accountability partners. Me: not a solution that will work, it hasn't in the past.  We can't and we won't be.  How many messes do you make that we have to all pay a price for?  why when other wise people say you're health sucks, do something or you'll have a heart attack. or look into partner's money, something is wrong, or this alcohol is killing you and will kill our marriage.   Me paying the price again.  How great is a life without other f*ing it up.  I want to be around people who bolster, help, love, laugh, explore, move, fix, do, dance, sing, pray, meditate, read, support.   You make me laugh sometimes, I don't make you laugh.