How do I stop?

 If you knew how many times I thought of you. Daily.  I’d be diagnosed OCD or insane. I have no right. No reasoning. Why is it that our bodies react like this? Answer: to propagate but even after propagation age, then what. I have to stop. It’s an addiction similar to cocaine. I get the high and then I get the low and what I want after the low?  How do people relate when they’ve never done something like cocaine maybe gambling? Money, fame? I DK the problem is I have a problem. I want some thing I can’t have and in reality I wouldn’t really want. And like Jim told me recently who would want a sixty year old. Kind of a shitty thing to say.  In my thoughts you’re in my thoughts. When I think about somebody wanting to hear what I have to say or getting excited about what I want to do or just any kind of adventure… I can’t even put it for fear that my husband will read this and he will be furious. Am I willing to lose friendships over this one feeble flawed not so attractive man?  God help me.  Jim has a huge set of great qualities but any of you have been married over 30 years well I shouldn’t really complain. I really have everything. I am spoiled.  Very spoiled. I do want at all, don’t you?  When I think of you, do you think of me. When I’m looking at you do you know that I’m looking. Yes I do see you. Yes I do hear you. Even far away. Why has this never happened? Why is it happening now? Why am asking so many fucking questions? 

Stepped on

If you read my last post, you could probably identify with all that hurt and anger.   Humans, when on earth long enough, get stepped on.  This was not the first person to help me feel this way, and I'm hoping to grow where they may be the last.  I need to communicate what I need, not let them treat me that way, and be what I want from others.  Besides the person that should be closest to me, my husband, the others that have had done harm are of course my parents, an ex-business partner and some randoms.  Once I give myself time to calm down and think, I realize what it is I'm missing.  Still, I'd love to run away to a place where I'm fully loved....my bath and bed? A real bed. But I've made my figurative bed already. What I'm missing is a whole marriage.  Because I've accepted years of subpar treatment and love, I've made that bed.  Time to change the bedding, wash it out. No need to change the whole bed unless he doesn't wanna spend the effort outside of his self-centeredness.

throw away my trust

You've lost my trust.  I'm pissed.  Better put, you've thrown away my trust.  The first, second, third time I warned you not to test my trust.  Why would you do that?  I don't treat you like that.  If you said that to me, i'd perk up like a meerkat.  From prior experiences, I don't rebuild trust easily after a pattern of lying.  Must be primal, necessary for our survival.  I deserve and must have respect, trust, integrity out of anyone I live with, am friends with, do business with.  I don't have that for you.  Don't know if I want to again.

Seems kinda silly to go on about my heartache when there are people needing clean water and safety from slavery and war.  But darn it I live in USA, and It's my life.  I can be so much more, we can, I can have a life full of joy, love with people I trust, respect and believe in.  So can you.  At one time, I wanted this for us together.  Now, not so much.  Too hard to get you to wake up, Michigan J. Frog.  I want to dance in the kitchen, and I have to lead, in bed I have to beg, showing off a pretty dress or a new song I learned, beg for you to say something nice, mom's burdens are mine, ask for your kind support.  Guys lead when dancing and I'm not a beggar and why would I even need to ask.  f-ing come up with something to say or do that takes some of the burden.

Since we now both know and the kids know about your alcoholism, your long-time lying, long-term neglect, depression, what are we going to do?  I understand from AA literature that it's not me and I can't stop you. Being a goal-driven fixer, it's easy to say what all the things are to fix in both of us.  If it's not me and I can't stop you, I need to find a way to change.  Change before it kills you, makes you more depressed, makes me totally give up.  I can make a very good argument for leaving: fresh, free start, someone who loves and respects me, someone I trust and respect.  We made our wedding vows, what kind of person would I be not being as graceful and supportive as I can be, not as I'm willing to be.

We can make small talk and live in same house, but really one of us needs to go, mostly b/c I feel much less anxious when we aren't in same house.  Don't expect to get smiles or kisses when you really have barely started to find a way to improve. Day one, I say you need to figure this out. Day two: you say we should join a Sunday school, you are willing to talk with our pastor. But church closed on Sun and Mon. Pastor will point you to the professional counselor the church suggests, or AA like I have done.  You said "I can't figure out what to do"...college educated business owner...You are a smart man.  If you can spend thousands of hours learning sports and cars, then I'm sure you could Google it.  Where there's a will, there's a way.  Don't feel you have the will to change, nor the will to pursue me.  My heart feels stabbed...if it was, it would stop beating. Sad.  I came home from trip so free and happy: let's try something new, massage, new venture, new town.  Trying so many options to find joy and passion ends with you saying no.  If I have to lead, I don't believe you'll want to grow or change. That's what AA says.  Right now, you'd say yes probably out of fear of what your life may be without me.  Maybe it's what you wanted all along, a life without me. Knowing you, all change is very temporary.  You saying one thing nice to me a day was something I begged for and you'd do for a couple of days. Just like giving up smoking only after a heart attack or two, you will only truly change after a major shock.  That's one of the problems of us living together, it makes you complacent.
On Tues: me: what did you do or learn about our problem today? him: You and the kids will be my accountability partners. Me: not a solution that will work, it hasn't in the past.  We can't and we won't be.  How many messes do you make that we have to all pay a price for?  why when other wise people say you're health sucks, do something or you'll have a heart attack. or look into partner's money, something is wrong, or this alcohol is killing you and will kill our marriage.   Me paying the price again.  How great is a life without other f*ing it up.  I want to be around people who bolster, help, love, laugh, explore, move, fix, do, dance, sing, pray, meditate, read, support.   You make me laugh sometimes, I don't make you laugh.

I don't want to turn to watch when the jockeys fall and the horse is lame

Christmas Morn 2010

I know today is going to be a busy, noisy day with so many people, about 20 family members in my sisters home. Knowing the mix, there is probably going to be tension at least, little spats at most. I can choose how my day can be and how I will react in advance, If no reason except a self-centered desire to have peace in me. I can smile and let it roll off, giving grAce, justify it, think what their motives and thoughts may be. Let my life be full of your fruits I get to share because of your spirit in me (gal 5:22) I can ask them a question in response to their question or comment. Don't be easily offended, turn the irritant into a discussion as to why this topic is important. Really, all this won't matter the next day, let alone 5 years from now. Lord, let me be a shining light, show me your way, help me to lead by example, take opportunities to teach our children how to react like Jesus. Got to learn how to do this in easy situations so you can stand firm in harder. Reminds me of Luke 16:10   “Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much....". Including pressure and hurtful words and actions from those who should love and want the best for us.
Mother Teresa of Calcutta said "We cannot all do great things, but we can do small things with great love." Choose love and peace today with your family. Thank you God for Jesus and your holy spirit in our lives.

Artist's Way

I've never read Artist's Way, just know of the basic technique of making my life more free and creative.   The first technique is to write down three hand-written pages of whatever pops into your mind first thing in the morning, morning pages.  Sometime I just write when frustrated or drunk, just dumping all thoughts, feelings, to do lists on a napkin just to get that pack of junk off my back.  Sometime pray to God to take the junk or thank Jesus for taking on all the junk.  That's what most of those dumpings and rants are.  I'm mad at someone or something, tainted fish for example, or bad gossip and I know what I should do, forgive and move on, decide to take action or take a stand or at least let my opionion on the matter come out somewhere or just let it go.   I say something really bothers me and is really wrong, but not doing anything to help solve the problem just is frustrating.   I do have enough problems of my own, but nowhere near the ones that are truely wrong and evil: human slavery, civil war conditions, esp for women and children in places like the Congo or Somalia.   For now, just dump and pray. 

I Want to be challenged

Vacations without a challenge can be boring.  I want something to challenge me, or I want to challenge myself.  This week in Durango, I thoroughly enjoyed riding 5 miles downhill, just not so much the 5 miles uphill.  Hiking the Purgatory Flats Trail, another challenge.  The best challenge was a cabin mate who is not a Christian.  For some unknown reason he said "Christian's are not wanted around the world."  Whoa, what?  They are very much wanted and helpful.  Then he went on about the amount of troubles and deaths caused by the inquisition.  I thought, hmmm, interesting, I'm not usually having a conversation like this.  That's ok, Let your words and wisdom flow through me, Lord.  Be Kind and Compassionate.  I love this person, I want this person to listen and be changed. I want all their pain, suffering, anger to be taken by Jesus, all sins forgiven, freedom...It just takes the ABC's. Admit, Believe, Commit.  But what did I say..."My God is a God of the future and of Hope. Those people are bad representatives".  Saying things like "all you Christians" is really unfair.  Then I said "even though I may not convert you tong