Nazi dude

Saw Nazi dude last night. He looked and acted very different than before. Not dressed in nazi costume with small mustach, black boots, short hair, baby-blue contacts. No Heil Hitler. THANK GOD. First thought is he Must be on his meds. Next, hope he doesn't recognize me and want to sit and visit or cause a scene. He was dressed and acted normal....that should be good, to fit in, right? One friend was wanting to know him better in his Nazi state. Myself and another friend totally disagreed, for me, it is that Hitler represents and was pure evil, killing for no sane reason, no remorse, just EVIL. So why would I spend one second with an evil person. I started praying for him as he talk at me, getting more agitated that we and others were rejecting him. "God forgive him, lead him to know you, change him" I repeated silently. God can and does overcome evil, and mental illness, and people who are needing love and attention. All this and more available free for the asking. Ask for Jesus to change you now.

Love SHOULD Know NO bounds

The love we can have/give/experience is not divisible, layerable, nor on/off. I don't like trying to limit or lable my love. Terms like "a piece of my heart" or "only enough room for so much love". If I had 1000 kids, I'd love them all. Showing love through time, eye contact, hugs would be difficult, but my heart can have love for all.
I understand that love can be had even in the worst of times, even right after a tragedy. A woman's husband just died a year ago, she's now in love. I'm happy for her, others judge her. I say you can still love your husband and fall in love with someone else. Some people heal from grief faster than others. He's dead. Can't spend time with him, sleep with him. Why not fall in love? May be a lack of respect for those alive who think you should stay grieving for a certain time.
I also know that I can love people and not like them, learned this one growing up in a disfunctional family. Could I have a huge fight with a boyfriend and never see again and still love, yep, just not the same as it use to be. Like clouds, they evolve without visible bounds. Too bad I still put some bounds on it, I hope to release those.

Just Do-Rag-it

My good friend called and was very sad. Her teen son has a brain tumor that has started to grow again. He's had specific radiation, but now he is weak and his hair is falling out. We cried, we prayed, we started talking about how he doesn't want to wear a ball cap. And then I got an idea. What if we have him start a business selling what he'd wear, a do-rag with some mark of brain tumor support, a grey ribbon. He could do this via a laptop and a phone. Starting a business is exciting, gives us hope, something positive to focus on, a way to help other teens, can sell at the brain tumor conference. Hope: can't imagine living without it. If was living, it would seem flavorless. Jeremiah 29:11 - For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Renew with new view

Just words. Art with nothing else but the words "just words". I don't get it and why should there be more meaning beyond it's nice look at and enjoy. Beautiful art I think I'll recreate but it just seems easy. I'd really like to make those photos that change when you change your view. Everything can change when you change your view. For me it is getting out of my normal routine, a different place, a refreshing person. Springtime helps motivate me too. So outside I go, plant something clean, maybe put up the Christmas decorations.

It's Beyond My Control

"It's beyond my control" whispered from John Malcovich in Dangerous Liasons as a way he circumvents his romantic obligations, women who want a piece of him. He used that as an excuse, when truely it is reality for our lives. We can't control a whole lot. We can decide what we eat, wear, when we sleep, what we do and say, who I am around, who I help....but what about all the unknowns? I got to let them go or I'd be more anxious about so much that is out of my hands. Driving around wild drivers, hearing about mystery diseases, freak accidents, bankruptcy. More frustrating is THINKING I have any control, trying to control, and really all for nought. Business sales is sorta that way, even though, like a Sims game, I think we can make decisions and take steps to increase them. I have to let God be in control, Jesus take the wheel, or a fav motto of mine "Let Go, Let God". I gotta let go of the control or else. Like helping a kid ride a bike, I have to take some steps to get things rolling, then stand back, try not to worry. If I truely had full faith in a omnipotent God, then I would spend more time getting connected and listening more to His directions. Maybe the things I do want to control, it's because I got messages from God to control them. Lord, help me let go and let God rule, fill in Serenity prayer here.

Trusts/Loves

It's fun creating and building something new. Now let's see if I keep up with this. I've wanted diary for a while now, but prefer it to be anonymous for the time. Last time I kept a paper diary was in 1977, but then a boyfriend who used our hard earned money to buy blow blew the blow then read my diaries, then blew up at me. That is when I exited fast from that old life to a new life. Very apt subject for Easter 2010. So a diary along with all other words mean something more than just a listing of what happened, what happens. I want to do an "Artist's Way" kinda thing, just write what pops up, especially when just waking up. Pray and meditate in a half awake mode, let God flow, let my brain work things out, let me vent. Words like trust, love, integrity, choice, freedom, truth, honesty, caring, build, create, and made up words like TRUV. If I had or when I do have a tattoo, it will have 2 words: TRUV and Freedom. Truv is something I made up because I can't have love without trust, I don't want to. It's too much disharmony. I can forgive and learn to trust, but the two feelings are so entwined in my heart and past that it is hard for me to love and not trust or trust and not love. Words bound what we feel and would like to say, so make up some. Other languages have one word for something that takes us several to describe. Well, here's to truving my husband, kids, family, friends, ...how about everyone, even my enemies.